The Promise
by NGBlue
Summary: Tragedy and what spawns from it. Short. T/7 implied-ish
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Promise

Author: NGBlue

Rating: R for some curse words, nothing big.

Pairing: T/7 (implied, very light)

Disclaimer: I do not own Startrek Voyager, or any of the people who portrait he characters who play in that series. No copyright infringement is intended, no money's being made. I'm but a worm, all bow to the almighty Paramount Gods.

Summary: Tragedy...and what spawns forth out of it.

---------x------------------x---------

It almost seemed unreal.

Almost.

There just wasn't any way to deny what had happened though. Hell, I've been one of the people involved in what had transpired just a day earlier.

This was...so unreal.

How could this have happened? Why? Why 'Her'? Off all the people that didn't deserve this, 'She' deserved it the least. But it still happened.

Dwelling on what had happened wouldn't help though. It wouldn't do any good, 'She' wouldn't have wanted it that way, I kept telling myself. And really I've been brooding long enough in my quarters, wishing to be left alone. Not even Starfleet had dared to enter these quarters after the display of sheer anger I gave everybody the day before.

It was unreal.

Shouldn't have happened.

Couldn't have prevented it.

But damn...don't I wish that time could be turned back, just this once.

However, a movement from the corner of my eye shakes me out of my reverie.

The Ice-queen. She of all people would never understand. Would never accept the consequences of what I've been asked to do. How could I explain this, how could I carry this out, there just wasn't any way. There was no way, not after the pointed fingers and barrage of accusing words that have been spewed in my direction.

Perhaps that had been the only flicker of light in the darkest of space. The small spark that had melted the ice surrounding her heart. I'd been sure there was a hint of emotion behind that ice-cold exterior. 'She' had said Seven wasn't what she seemed to be, but I still doubt that very much. I guess my conflicts with the Borg-machine were too fresh in my mind to be wiped away like that. I've only heard words, never seen something that actually backed those words up, up until yesterday anyways.

Seven would never understand. As logical and unemotional she tried to pretend she was, part of her was still human. But she still wouldn't understand.

Refused to understand.

"You killed her..."

The words are colder then her eyes this time. Sharp as a knife cutting through the softest of butter. Yet I somehow feel as if I deserve them, perhaps I do.

"Why didn't you..."

Her words die in her throat. I can see a shimmering in her eyes...tears? Finally some evidence?

But she walks away without another word. I guess it's better that way. No witnesses to see her un-Seven like emotional outburst, besides me. Does she really believe it will make her superior to others, she's human, not Vulcan, not even Borg anymore. But do I care? Maybe now I do. Now that I've been ordered to do so, even as I realize that there's nothing. Not the reluctance I figured I would feel. Not the simplest of emotions to make everything more clear. It would've been too easy. And things are never easy.

I can't ignore 'Her' last wish.

Can't even ignore what happened.

And can't even say 'Her' name.

Just hurts too much.

Why didn't I? Didn't I help her? I tried to but...why couldn't I save her? 'Her' of all people, how am I supposed to understand this? How, when not even Seven can remain her cool. Then again wasn't she more connected to 'Her' then I myself. But that's not true. Seven always required special attention that's the way I try to justify it. But deep down I know, that jealousy, and other deeper feelings I never dared to name, had always been there, just under the surface. And I knew that they were close, I guess I never understand how close. Why was I ordered...why...

I can't even think of this. Too fresh, new. Hurts just to think of it.

I always thought...

That 'She' and Seven were a couple somehow? I guess I did, didn't I? Again this jealousy, these feelings I try so desperately to shove away in the back of my mind. Like I've done before, but it's different now and it just doesn't work anymore. I can feel everything bubbling back to the surface with every breath I take. All of it, and I've never felt so emotionally raw.

So many conflicting thoughts. I don't want the reality to sink in. I want 'Her' back, to hear 'Her' voice. 'She' was so important to everybody on this ship.

"Rest in peace, Kathryn Janeway, wherever you might be right now..."

-x-x-x-

Earlier...

The Bat'Leth swiped through the air. For a moment the Klingon warrior looked almost astonished, as far as that was possible seeing he was a Hologram, but then he vanished without leaving a trace.

No matter how many I kill, they keep coming, not that I mind really. Sweat runs down my back and forehead in trickles, and after every combination of movements I have to stop for a second to wipe it away.

The small movement in the air alerts my senses, and I turn around in one swift movement, lurging forwards with the Bat'Leth. Luckily for Tuvok I managed to control my primal urges, else he'd been nothing but a smudge of blood on the wall by now.

"Computer, freeze program."

The Klingon warrior that stands just a feet away, about ready to pierce my skin with his Met'leth stops mid-air. It could have amused me perhaps, but amusement is not the reason I'm here.

"What BY Grethor do you want."

I can't help my voice from sounding demanding and dripping with venom. A vicious anger slithers just below my skin, and my twin hearts are still beating on the rhythm of the ancient wardrums. An interruption is the least I can use right now.

"Captain Janeway has left me some instructions I was ordered to follow should she come to..."

Damn Vulcan lack of emotions. True, he helped me with the meditation techniques in the past, but nothing could put a lid on this.

"Get on with it Tuvok."

"She has left you a message."

I guess he must've registered the surprise on my face, but thank Kahless refrained from making any comment. I never did see him leave, although his last words keep ringing in my ears.

"The message was send to the terminal in your quarters. I have been ordered to closely observe your emotional state..."

The rest got lost in the turmoil in my head that burst loose as soon as I grasped the meaning of all this. And it's been only 18 hours ago. Too soon, too damn soon. How am I supposed to cope when my head feels like it's going to explode any minute now.

-x-x-x-

Two weeks later...

I don't know what I had expected.

Certainly not this.

Any attempt...Kahless when I'm so much as near to her she storms out of the room. I've never seen her so openly displaying her emotions.

It pisses me off, majorly.

I don't know what I had expected, but certainly not this.

I see Flyboy walk towards me. I guess Harry couldn't keep his mouth shut. But he's only trying to look out for me. I should be thankful, but I don't feel that way. Hell, my legs are still shaking when I just think of the message 'She' left for me. Certainly I could use some peace of mind to work

things out.

"Hey, how are you holding up?"

Calm, collected. Comforting words? I don't know. I guess everyone changed, even he just isn't the same. The picture doesn't fit anymore. The memory of what he seemed to be like in the past seems so wrong right now. Everyone changed, everything changed.

Everything changed so fast.

"I'm fine."

Liar.

Do I really care? I had enough of the comforting words. Seven could use them much more then I do. Yet I was there when it happened. I was there with 'Her.'

"Harry told me..."

Kahless I wish he hadn't. I don't need this, don't really need this right now. I can feel Ice-babe's eyes skinning me alive from the other side of the messhall. The urge to walk towards her and hug the stuffing out of her seems to be a bizarre abnormality spawned by my overloaded brain. The urge to smack her around until she drops that cool shield of her's should have been much bigger.

But it is not.

"Murderer..."

She doesn't actually say it as she walks by. But her eyes say everything her mouth doesn't. And for a moment, I can actually see her thoughts. Touch them, almost.

"Does she know?"

Hah, no really. She wouldn't understand. For fuck's sakes, I don't even understand this myself. Even though I do remember the promise I made to Kathryn so long ago, I still can't bring myself to think about it. I never promised 'Her' this, but it's what 'She' asked me to do. 'Her' last wish, a

promise I can never keep.

"No, don't even THINK about telling her, unless you want to be worked into the hull plating by 'accident'."

I can actually see him gulp at those words. Perhaps I put a little too much anger in my voice. But who cares, I certainly don't. Things will never be the same.

"I..."

For a moment he actually hesitates. I wonder why. Normally he always blurts out anything that pops up in that limited mind of his. But he's a good guy, just too bad he wastes a lot of the time in which he could be useful. I wonder briefly where I got that chronology from, but then I try to divert these thoughts. I know...and it hurts too much to think about it. Everything hurts, and I wonder if it'll ever change.

His pulling at my sleeves to a somewhat secluded alcove in the hallway, certainly put a effective temporarily ending to my pondering.

"I walked into Astrometrics yesterday. She was crying in a corner, sitting on the floor with her head in her hands. I think she might have heard me come in, but it didn't seem that way. I left a second after that. Guess I just thought you should know."

Good thing my jaw can't actually hit the floor, but it went as far as possible in that direction.

Unexpected doesn't even begin to cover it.

And almost immediately I feel that old feeling. That longing I've felt so much in the past. I can almost feel my hearts clench as the guilt washes over me in waves. I guess Paris must have noticed because he left without me ever sensing it.

There's nothing I can do though.

Nothing I want to do.

I can't face those blue eyes, that are so much fuller with emotions then I want to admit. I can't face her with the knowledge I was partly responsible for the death of a person that was the most dearest to her.

I can't...and so I don't.

TBC in Part 2


	2. Chapter 2

-x-x-x-

Four Months Later...

I don't know when...

Don't know why, but things changed.

Gradually maybe.

Her eyes no longer carry the bitter coldness they did the first month after Kathryn's death. She seems more like the old Seven, but not quite. I can't describe it, not even with a hundred words, and it frustrates me to no end.

But when I look at her I still feel that guilt. And I remember every single word that was said by Janeway in the message she left for me. It still reminds me of that promise I had made a long time ago, but I never guessed she would fill it in the way she did.

I sometimes...

I sometimes wish she was here, I need her advice, why was I left in the dark so much. I need, crave, that spark of light she always brought to me. The helping hand that guided me when I was stuck, and the door she offered me, so I could get out if I wanted too.

She stares at me.

Do I look that distracted? Does she care?

According to Kathryn she does, and much more then that. But...how, it's just not possible. I always thought of Barbie-Borg as a emotionless piece of machinery, save for a few times. But maybe those few times should have been all I needed.

Maybe...

Kahless stop staring.

"Seven!"

She knows that tone all too well. Never doing anything good, always in my way, I guess I reprimanded her more then any other crew member aboard. And I always had that weak excuse of her being a stubborn and useless drone.

"Lieutenant...you look ill."

Well since when do you care?

Every cell in my body is telling me to snap at her, but instead I just stare at her intently. I don't know what she had expected, but I guess not this.

"If you were looking for a fight, go look somewhere else. I'm seriously not in the mood for this shit Seven."

I don't know, but I thought that I saw a flicker of hurt appear on her face, but it was probably my imagination. But it does make me wonder how I can ever complete my promise for Kathryn, when I can't even talk to her in a normal civilized way.

"I was not..."

We needed to talk. And not about work-related things. I can't believe how we've tried to avoid this for so long. It just needed to be said, I needed it out.

Chakotay talked to her a few times, and managed to keep her from tearing me apart. At least that's what he told me. He really did a good job following up the Captain, not that he ever was after the job. He would probably give it up right away if it could bring Janeway back. And if the rumors are true...

I hope it won't be a matter of time before he breaks. How can I help him sort things out when my own head's such a mess?

"Everybody out."

I shout it, or try too, but it never comes out right. But thankfully they get the message anyways. And Seven does too I figure, because she doesn't move a muscle.

"Seven..."

She seems so cool, so composed right now. Is it all as it seems though? Or is it perhaps a glass facade. I can't help wondering, now that that I know so much more. It's like something that was set in motion and I don't have the slightest of clues on how to stop it. Hell...do I even want to stop it?

"I 'am' sorry. I should have dived in front of her. Or should have pulled her away when the first shots were fired. But you... thinking about it won't bring her back. Blaming me...won't bring her back."

For a moment she says nothing, in fact she doesn't even seem affected by what I just said. But when I look closer, look deeper, I can see the flickering in her eyes, I can see how she shivers ever so slightly, and it definitely wasn't the cold.

Just when I think nothing will happen, her hand reaches out, the Borg enhanced one. And for a moment I wonder if she's going to hit me. But she doesn't...surprisingly.

Instead she moves to my forehead ridges, and moves across them with her thumb. Softly...slowly. It feels so...unreal. It's the only way to describe it.

Her eyes so liquid blue, so watery. I'm afraid she'll crack, but she doesn't. Her hand just moves downwards, her knuckles rasping across the soft skin of my cheeks. I lean into it unconsciously, can't think about what's happening, afraid that it's not real.

"I know..."

And she's gone.

-x-x-x-

A few days later...

Again I don't know what to think.

Kathryn must have been right. Must have known about Seven's feelings for me. Perhaps the Borg even admitted it, I can't verify that anymore, unless I ask the Ice Queen herself.

But even ice can break.

When did Kathryn find out...how?

And how can she ask me to confront Seven, without knowing about my own feelings. Or did she somehow know. Do I even know it myself?

Her closeness always unsettled me. And I always thought...

What?

Always thought...I can't think of this. She's sitting across of me in the meeting-room, and all the thoughts and things that happened the past few months just come back at me with Warp speed. It's just too much.

I don't want to know how I feel.

What I've always felt. Where that longing had come from in the first place.

Off course she just HAD to follow me.

I've got no idea how she managed to bypass the lock on the door though. Probably something to do with her Borg nature. I don't really want to dwell on that.

"Seven..."

Go away? Fuck off?

I want to say it. Hell every nerve in my body urges me to say it, to push her away. Like she did to me when Kathryn was killed.

"I know."

Know what? About the promise I made? About the letter Janeway left me. About the feelings I've stuffed away for so long?

"I knew she recorded that message, because...I was there."

I guess...I... And that's all. No clear thoughts anymore. No idea what to say to that revelation.

Surprised probably doesn't even begin to cover it.

But I'm so much more angry. Where is the sense in this all. I promised Janeway a long time ago, after she saved my life, that she could fill in the debt like she wished. Surprised as I was she never mentioned it again.

"Why?"

That one word seems no more then a whisper. I couldn't have made it sound any louder if I'd wanted too. My throat was too constricted for that.

"She knew...Told me she saw through us."

I see a tear fall from her eyes, and feel the pull to wipe it away. But I don't. I can't. It's so hard.

"I'm sorry."

She spins on her heels so suddenly she takes me completely by surprise and she's already half-way to the exit, before I run after her.

The one hand I put on her shoulder probably breaks through every wall she had tried to pull up so hastily. Quivering she stands motionless in the middle of my room, but she doesn't turn around. And without another word I put my other hand around her slim waist, pulling her backwards.

I don't want to think anymore.

Don't want to talk.

I know what we both need. Have probably needed for so long now. So I just hold her...for the longest of times. And I begin fulfilling the promise I made.


End file.
